I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday.
It was around five years ago and I remember not being afraid for the baby.
Not being afraid of whether or not it was a false positive.
Not being afraid if the baby was healthy or OK.
I was more afraid that I wasn’t ready. More afraid for me.
I didn’t think that something would go wrong, that something would disrupt the pregnancy.
I was under the impression that everything would go smoothly and that everything would be perfect.
I had no clue.
I had no clue that it wouldn’t be easy.
I had no clue that everything would go wrong.
I had no clue that from that day forward, I would be afraid for the rest of my life.
8 weeks after that day, I became the most scared I had ever been.
For the next four years after many more angel babies, I would continue being scared.
A fear that you can not explain comes over you when you become a mother.
Whether you are a hopeful mother, a pregnant mother, a mother to an angel baby, a mother through adoption or a mother to babies who are here to hold.
Motherhood is something that no one can prepare you for and for me, mom fear is one of the hardest parts.
The fear of something happening to my kids consumes me and I find myself afraid of things that I didn’t notice before, things I didn’t care about before, and things that make me feel a little crazy for admitting I now fear them.
I am afraid to shower.
I am afraid of spiders in the house.
I am afraid of storms.
I am afraid of all electrical devices, outlets and switches.
I am afraid of all round shaped food.
I am afraid of illnesses, viruses, colds and germs.
I am afraid of blankets, curtains and other non-breathable fabrics.
I am afraid of certain cleaning products.
I am afraid to light scented candles.
I am afraid to use too many frozen foods and using the microwave.
I am afraid to leave my kid in the car seat if we aren’t in the car.
But I am not afraid for myself. In fact, it is RARE that I EVER think about myself anymore.
These fears are for my babies.
I am afraid of those things (and many more) because they might harm my babies.
We become extremely aware of our surroundings when we become mothers, it’s like a superpower we didn’t expect to get.
We notice all the little things which is a blessing and a curse.
Becoming a mom brought a fear that I could not even begin to explain.
This fear is something that I will carry with me forever. It is a superpower that protects my babies. Even though it may drive me crazy!
Who else is afraid of silly things!!!